[00:00:00] Speaker A: Tell me something.
Who's harder on you than you are? Your boss? Your parents? Your partner? Probably not. See, for the lot of us, the harshest critic in the room is the man in the mirror and the voice inside our own head. And sometimes the voice doesn't motivate us. Instead, sometimes it just moves the finish line. Let me show you how. Cue the intro.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: From the natural state. This is public facing the podcast with joe holman.
[00:00:41] Speaker A: Thanks for that, Annabelle. Last episode we talked about the gap between expectations and reality. Thanks for joining us today. I'm Joe Holman. Some of the most unreasonable expectations we deal with aren't really expectations from other people. Generally speaking, they're ours. We expect ourselves to succeed, to perform, to stay healthy, to make the right decisions. And there's an important distinction that we're going to explore today.
High standards are not the same thing as unrealistic expectations. One can make you better, the other can make you miserable.
So today we're talking about achievement failure comparison and what it means to expect something from yourself without turning your own life into a performance review. Alright, let's get into this.
Unhealthy expectations make success feel temporary. Here's a strange thing, though, about achievement. You can work incredibly hard towards something when you finally get it. And then you move the goal post. You wanted the promotion, you got the promotion. Now you're worried about the next promotion. You wanted 10,000 followers, you hit 10,000. Now you need 50,000.
Maybe you wanted to lose 20 pounds, you do it, now you don't like something else.
There's nothing inherently wrong with ambition. The problem is when achievement never gets to count, because if every accomplishment immediately becomes the minimum requirement for for the next one, well, then you're never actually allowed to feel successful.
You're just temporarily not failing. And that's exhausting.
It's like playing a video game where every time you reach the next level, the game says congratulations, and then also you're behind.
Thanks. Very supportive. Now, a healthy goal has a finish line. An unhealthy expectation, though, can keep moving that finish line forever.
So now that we've covered how the finish line moves, then let's look at the voice that usually keeps moving it.
Stay alert. It's a trap. I'm talking about perfectionism, and that perfectionism often turns mistakes into judgments about identity.
There's a big difference between I made a mistake and I'm a failure. See, one describes an event, the other describes your identity.
That's where perfectionism can become dangerous. What I'm saying is research has consistently distinguished between different forms of perfectionism. Wanting to achieve high standards isn't necessarily the problem.
The more damaging side is often perfectionistic concern.
Worrying excessively about making mistakes, feeling inadequate, believing you're constantly falling short.
Research has linked those concerns with anxiety, depression and other forms of psychological distress.
So ask yourself, do I want to do well or do I believe I have to do well to be okay?
See, those sound similar, but they're not. Seriously, not now. The first creates motivation.
The second creates pressure. And pressure can become a terrible decision maker. You stop taking risks, playing things safe though. Well, that's not a winning plan either.
So you stop trying new things. You hide your mistakes. You avoid situations where you might look inexperienced. You don't want to fail, so eventually you don't really try. My friend, I promise you that this is not a good look on you.
Perfectionism is basically having an internal HR department that's never heard of employee appreciation.
Great job. Yes, but congratulations. Yes, but that's impressive.
Let's discuss your shortcomings now.
Your performance is something you do. It is not the complete definition of who you are.
And that's an important separation. But there's another side to this as well.
Comparison is really a terrible scoreboard. Comparing your progress to somebody else's outcome, well, that creates unrealistic self expectations.
We talked about social media in part one being. But comparison deserves another look because it doesn't just tell us what we should have, it tells us how quickly we should have it. And that can be even more dangerous.
You see someone who's successful at 30, you think at 30 I should have that. And you see someone launch a business and you think maybe I should have done that.
And someone gets married. Am I behind? Someone buys a house. What's wrong with me?
Someone changes careers, maybe I'm wasting my life. Are you seeing this?
See, you're comparing timelines. And timelines are deeply personal.
You don't know someone's starting point, so you don't know their resources or their opportunities.
You don't know their failures.
And you definitely don't know how much of what you're seeing is curated.
Research has found associations between upward social comparison online and lower self esteem, lower well being anxiety and even negative emotions.
So here's a simple rule.
Don't use somebody else's highlight reel as the measuring stick for your own ordinary Tuesday.
Because nobody posts.
Here's me making a terrible decision, eating cereal over the sink and questioning every career choice I've ever made. And yet that's Tuesday.
Compare yourself to your previous self more often than you compare yourself to somebody else's present.
Ask yourself, am I learning? Am I improving?
Am I showing up?
Am I moving in a direction I actually value?
Those questions are much more useful.
So really, it it's best to replace perfection with progress. See, the healthier alternative to unrealistic expectations isn't to lower your expectations. It's to have flexible expectations.
Try changing from I have to get this right to I want to improve change.
I can't fail to I can learn from failure.
Change things from like I should already be there to I'm working towards getting there. And maybe the biggest one here, I have to be perfect. Let's change that to I have to be willing to keep going.
That's resilience. That's not never failing or falling. It's not always being confident.
It's being able to adjust without turning every setback into a referendum on your worth.
You can expect a lot from yourself. Just make sure that the expectation includes being human.
And that brings us to today's final word.
In today's final word, high standards can push you forward. Perfectionism can make you afraid to move.
Comparison can convince you that you're behind when you're actually on your own timeline.
And failure doesn't mean that your expectations were wrong.
Sometimes failure is simply information, and it's what we do with that information that truly matters.
So expect effort from yourself. Expect honesty. Expect growth.
Expect yourself to get back up, but don't expect yourself to be flawless.
Ultimately, excellence is a direction. Perfection is a fantasy. That's today's final word.
Thanks so much for spending time with us today here on Public Facing the Podcast. If you've got somebody in your life who's constantly moving their own finish line and sending them this episode, follow, subscribe, share or leave a review if you're enjoying our show.
Next time we're going to be talking about expectations off of ourselves and putting them squarely where they sometimes get really complicated. And that is on other people.
Until next time, keep your standards high, but give yourself permission to be human. For Public Facing the podcast, I'm Joe Holman. I'll see you next time.
[00:10:07] Speaker B: Thanks for listening to Public Facing the podcast with Joe Holman. Visit us online at public facingpod stream and on
[email protected] public facingpod.
