[00:00:01] Speaker A: When it comes to our expectations, do you know what causes a shocking amount of conflict? I'll give you a hint. It's not what people actually do. No, it's. It's what we assume that they should have done.
I thought you would call. I thought you knew. And just like that, suddenly we're angry at someone for breaking a rule they never even knew existed. Cue the intro.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: From the natural state. This is public facing the podcast with joe holman.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: Welcome to part three of the final leg of our series on Great Expectations. This is Public Facing the podcast, and I'm Joe Holman. We talked about expectations in general. Then we looked at the expectations that we put on ourselves.
Now we're looking outward at our partners, our friends, family, co workers, even strangers.
Share some of your expectations with us at helloublicfacingpod Stream. And here's where expectations can get really interesting. Because expectations can be completely invisible. Oh, yeah, you can have a whole rulebook in your head and never hand out anybody a copy. And then when they break Rule number 172 from section 5, subsection G, obviously, if you don't text me, then you're supposed to know that I want you to text me. What?
No, that's. That's not communication, my friend. That's hostage negotiation. We don't negotiate with terrorists. Now, today we're talking about assumptions, the unspoken expectations, disappointment, communication, and the difference between accepting people as they are and simply lowering every standard you have.
Because those are not the same thing. All right, here we go. Let's get into this.
Now. Unspoken expectations create invisible contracts. We do this all the time. More times than not, we probably don't even consciously realize it, but you expect your friend to remember your birthday. You expect your partner to know when something's wrong, or your boss to recognize your effort, a co worker to approach work the same way that you do and expect your family to understand when you're making a certain decision.
And when they don't. How could they? Well, maybe they couldn't because they aren't inside your head. And here's the problem with an expectation that hasn't been communicated.
You experience it as an obligation, but the other person experiences it as nothing. See, there was no agreement. There was. This was just an assumption. And assumptions are dangerous because they're invisible until they fail.
I shouldn't have to tell you. Well, that's one of the most dangerous sentences in human relationships. Because if you shouldn't have to tell them, how exactly were they supposed to know?
Telepathy. If that's the case, then we're all in trouble.
See, if something genuinely matters to you, communicating it isn't being needy, it's being clear.
Since we've covered now the invisible contract and the rule book situation, let's now look at what happens when people inevitably fail to live up to it.
Disappointment doesn't always mean that someone's failed you.
Sometimes it reveals an expectation that you never really examined. Let's say your friend doesn't call. You get disappointed, and that's real. Don't dismiss the feeling. But before you decide that they don't care about you, ask another question.
What did I expect?
Maybe you expected them to know you needed support.
Maybe they were busy. Maybe they didn't realize.
Maybe they genuinely don't prioritize the friendship the same way you do. Each of those possibilities are very different.
And that's why disappointment can be useful. It's information.
It tells you that there was a gap between what you expected and what happened. And then you get to investigate the gap. Was my expectation reasonable? Was it communicated? Was it based on past behavior or based on something I saw in a movie?
Was it based on social media and how they told me relationships are supposed to look?
Or am I expecting somebody to meet a need? I haven't even explained romantic comedies. Love them or leave them. They've done enormous damage to human expectations.
Apparently, you have one fight, you run through the airport, give a speech in the rain, and then everything is solved.
Real relationships are more like, did you buy toilet paper? No. Okay, then I guess this relationship is officially in crisis.
And when you're disappointed, don't immediately ask what's wrong with them.
Instead, look in the mirror and ask, what exactly was I expecting?
That question alone can change the entire conversation. And there's a whole other side to this as well.
When it comes to standards, boundaries and control, managing expectations, it doesn't mean accepting bad behavior.
That's important because there's a danger in conversations about expectations. We can go too far.
You shouldn't have to eliminate every expectation.
You should, though, have standards and boundaries and expect basic respect and expect honesty in important relationships and expect people to honor agreements while also expecting professionalism at work. As an example.
See, the question isn't, should I expect anything?
The question becomes, is this expectation reasonable? Is it communicated and within the other person's control?
That's the test. And you can say, I need you to tell me a plans change. That's reasonable.
You can say, I expect you to never disappoint me. That is impossible. But okay, you can Say I need honesty.
That's reasonable. You can say, I expect you to know exactly what I'm feeling without me saying anything. Well, good luck on that, my friend and favorite listener. If you've done that, if you've ever thought that if they really love me, they would just know, then congratulations, you just skewed love into a psychic ability.
Healthy expectations, though they leave room for another person's humanity, healthy boundaries, they still protect you. And healthy communication makes both of these possible.
So should we expect less? No, expect better.
The goal isn't lower expectations, it's better expectations. Yeah, better are specific, communicated, flexible. They're grounded in reality and they're open to new information.
So instead of My partner should always know what I need.
Try. I want us to be able to talk about what we need.
Instead of My friends should always be available.
Try. I want friendships where we make time for each other.
Instead of my co workers should work exactly like I do.
Try.
We need clear expectations about the work.
See the difference? See, you're moving from mind reading to communication, from control to collaboration, and from fantasy to reality.
You don't have to stop expecting good things from people. You just have to stop expecting them to read a script they've never received.
And this is going to bring us to today's final word.
My friend, in today's final word, not every disappointment means that someone failed you.
Sometimes it means that an expectation wasn't communicated.
Sometimes it means that your expectation was unrealistic, even if it was an expectation that you placed on yourself.
Sometimes it means that you've discovered a genuine difference between what you need and what another person is willing or able to give.
And that's useful information too. Because ultimately, healthy relationships aren't built on perfect people.
They're built on honest communication, reasonable standards, flexibility, and the willingness to deal with reality instead of demanding that the reality is behave exactly as we imagined it.
You can have standards, you can have boundaries, you can want more.
Just don't make people responsible for expectations they never agreed to. And that's today's final word.
Well folks, I've enjoyed our time together. Thanks for spending time with us today. And this wraps up our final piece of the three part series on Great Expectations.
If one or more of these episodes has made you think of an expectation that you're carrying, whether it's about yourself or somebody else, or even life in general, share it with somebody and drop me an email at helloblicfacingpod Stream. You can follow, subscribe, leave a review and keep the conversation going at PublicFacingPod Stream, where you'll find all of our episodes.
Until next time, communicate what matters, expect what's reasonable, and remember, nobody can read your mind.
[00:10:21] Speaker C: Probably.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Thanks for listening to Public Facing the Podcast with Joe Holman. Visit us online at PublicFacingPod stream and on
[email protected] PublicFacingPod
[00:10:37] Speaker C: SAM.
